I road my bike 200 miles, but I really didn't think it was a big deal.

I'm not trying to be fake humble or dramatic. I really thought I was going to finish - or at least attempt, since I wasn't 100% confident I could finish - the STP, or attempt the SPT and maybe not finish, and be done with it. I wouldn't exactly just check it off my list: I 'd get the FINISHER shirt and all the photos, of course. But I didn't think I would be one of "those" people who are forever changed by running a marathon or some other feat of athleticism - maybe it's because I, as I shared last post, am "not an athlete" that I didn't know to be prepared for the (sometimes delayed-onset) mental number ultra-endurance events can do on you.

Which is surprising since, about halfway through my training, I started to realize that 80 percent of events like these is mental. I still didn't think the STP would affect me as deeply as it has started to since it ended, though. The emotional work the STP has done on me didn't begin until the event ended. Being deeply sad that it's over even two and a half weeks out has really surprised me, and I'm still learning how to work through that. That might be why I'm struggling to explain what exactly I'm really sad about, especially since the morning of, I just wanted it to be over already, and I definitely don't want to do it again tomorrow (though, as another surprise to myself, I wouldn't say I'd never do it again). Of course, I've been ensnared in this pattern as long as I can remember: waiting so badly for something to just be over, even something that seems fun on the outside, even things I at one point or another want to do, and then, once they are, wanting nothing more than to go back in time to relive them. Nothing like a good 22.5 hours on your bike to hold a mirror up to your long-standing neuroses.

My coach said that this sort of thing is normal, so that's reassuring. And I'm glad I did it. My knees are still sore/not back to normal, and the weird throbbing headaches I was having before the STP have really ramped up and not calmed down from the intense level they've hit in mid-July. But I don't regret doing the STP. I don't regret actually pushing myself to finish despite stabby knee pain for the last 40 miles and exhaustion beyond what I have ever experienced in life (not that I was surprised by that). I still have trouble thinking of myself as an athlete - maybe because I'm slow and won't win any races or first-place ribbons, which I know isn't what makes an athlete, but somehow, it's lodged in there in my mind as needing to be GOOD at sports to count as an athlete - but maybe that's not what the STP was about for me. Maybe it was about taking on something I've been intimidated by for nearly 20 years. Maybe it was about pushing my body and my mind while also respecting their true limits. And maybe now it's about the story of support I was surrounded with the whole way, which I'll share more about in my next post.