I was reviewing my reflection from around this time last year, and it was eerily similar in terms of relational struggles. I want this pattern to end. I know I'm definitely contributing to it: probably the biggest way I'm investing in this cycle of intense relational pain (mostly friendship related since it's been several years since I've had a relationship, and despite being married and having had two other significant relationships, I'm not convinced I've ever had a real partner, despite that being one of my two deepest desires in life) is by continuing to create connections with very unavailable/emotionally avoidant people.
Many of my primary friendships throughout my life have been with emotionally unavailable people, but it took me until this week to realize that bread-crumbing is something that can happen in friendships, too, not just romantic connections like we hear so many women (rightfully) complain about. It's something that's been happening a lot to me - to be clear, I am not saying ALL my friendships are this way - probably because I have this very stubborn limiting belief that I'm not worthy of real friendship, that I'm not actually wanted for who I am but only for the sacrifices to my own boundaries, and that my mistakes are always way worse than others. Consequently, I have created a LOT of connections of deprivation rather than nourishment, connections that have reinforced beliefs and self talk that I really don't want to be hearing anymore from myself rather than those that challenge my negative self talk and my beliefs about my worth and value.
I don't need to hear any more blame directed toward me without it being paired with a clear understanding of responsibility on the other end. I don't need to hear "I'm so busy" one more time when I reach out to friends. And especially I don't need to hear nice words that sound lovely but are never put into action. But mostly, I don't need to hear the same thing from myself when I look back this time next year. It's time for me to do what's in my power to stop making room for the things I don't want and to start making room for the kinds of relationships I want. Here's to starting a new year with new commitments to create new patterns, thought processes, and relationships.